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A Patchwork of Memories

What do you do with the baby clothes that have holes and are stained and loved through?
Here’s the quilt!!!  A patchwork of memories!!

I can’t part with them and don’t feel like they’re really of use to anyone else.  No future daughter in law will ever really want to use them so I took a deep breath and got out my sewing scissors and cut them up into a bunch of pieces. Tonight I stayed up late and sewed them all together into a quilt for Fletcher.  I started crying at my sewing machine as it was coming together…. memories of Carter wearing the formerly baby blue sleeper that has faded to pale white.  All four boys wearing the lime green gown with the giraffe embroidery that Gigi gave me when I was on bedrest worried that my baby would be naked. The sleepless nights, dreamily nursing them as we rocked in the rocker in the predawn hours.  Each scrap of fabric holds scraps of memories.  The  memories of motherhood.

They won’t remember the countless diaper changes when I unsnapped and snapped those outfits together so many times the snaps barely work anymore.  How they’re all so soft from so much use.  Folding and putting them away after countless loads of laundry.  Or jamming their toes into the ends of my favorite ones even though they had outgrown them weeks previous but I just wanted them to wear it one last time… and poor Fletcher received hand-me-downs three times over some with holes in the toes! But I still loved using them all again.  And I have new memories of him wearing them, too. All stitched together in my mind.

A legacy of Jay boys. The threads of the past stitching together the family that we have become.  Messy at times like the back side of the quilt but the other side beautiful and unified, too.

I’m pleased with how the quilt came together. Even if it doesn’t mean much to him, a lot of love is poured into it.  I keep thinking that when I’m old and gray and my grown men sons come to visit me in the nursing home they can cover me up with it and I’ll fondly remember holding and loving on my babies when they were small enough to wear those little jammies.

And just now as I sifted through almost six years of digital pictures to find pictures of each of them wearing these 0-3 month outfits I wept.  I remember it ALL so vividly! I wrapped myself in the quilt and just let the tears flow. It didn’t help that Jim was playing Jim Brickman piano music on our new surround sound stereo… that music takes me back to 58th Street.  How can time be going so quickly?  I’m really trying to live in the moment. To enjoy the ride of parenthood.  But it’s going so fast! They grow and change so rapidly.  But you don’t recognize how quickly until you look back.  Watching family movies or looking at pictures makes you realize how quickly it happens.   And it’s all good.  These are happy tears.  My cup runneth over. I’m so incredibly thankful!  Four healthy, vibrant, wildly adventuresome, sweet, boyz!  But somewhere deep down inside – it aches.

Sweet little fuzzy bright eyed Carter – 1 month

Brand new fresh baby Carter  – this was his first night home

Carter – his first night home. He didn’t sleep all night – this was in the morning I remember noticing how big his hands were when I took this picture

Sweet baby Carter – one week old. This was when the outfit was still blue.

But look how little he was – he was swimming in a 0-3 month outfit!

So little!

Carter in the giraffe sleeper.  He and his blankie were so new

At night he still looks like this!

This was Carter wearing what he should have worn home from the hospital but he threw up all  over it and he came home wearing a diaper and a hospital shirt!  This was the sweetest little outfit that was from Carter’s (the store) and it had little lambs and said “If they could just stay little”  He was 2 weeks old here and had nearly grown out of it!

Here he is wearing the green giraffe gown kicking while watching his mobile.  I called him my Kickie-poo!  I swear he kicked like this while he was in utero!

Always a blur!

This was my first Mother’s day!  I woke up and was surprised to see a present in his crib with him!  These jammies were ones that Fletcher wore with holes in the feet but some of my favorites! (Now in the quilt!)

Here I am on my first Mother’s day holding my baby Carter!

Carter in the striped Jammies again

Carter- probably 3 months here because his hair was falling out on top & long on the sides

Sleeping baby Carter

Carter LOVED the jumpy thing!  Getting major air!  (In the old kitchen!)

These farmer jammies are in the quilt too… they didn’t survive past Kiefer

Here’s sweet baby Kiefer the day we brought him home from the hospital!  Wearing the outfit Jim went out and bought him while I was in the hospital

Sweet baby Kiefer!  This outfit is now in the quilt, too!

I LOVE this picture of Carter & Kiefer!

Sweet baby Kiefer

Kiefer – 2 months

Kiefer fell asleep while playing on the playmat.  This was a novelty to me because Carter never slept!  Here are those same striped jammies! (filled out a little differently!)

Kiefer still looks like this when he sleeps, too!

Sweet baby Kiefer!  Had the charm even at a young age!

His smile has always lit up the room!

And he’s still DEVOTED to his thumb and his blankie

Little Carter holing baby Kiefer

Kiefer 8 months old!  I love this picture!!

Baby Griffin in the lime green giraffe gown!  Just home from the hospital! I love this picture!!
Carter & Kiefer holding baby Griffin (wearing the lime green gown!)

Uncle Creepy holding week old baby Griffin…. his namesake.  Russell ANDREW holding Griffin ANDREW!

Playing in a fort built in the basement (Griffin in the striped jammies!)

Griffin  sleeping bottoms up

3 boys in a crib

Griffin in the striped jammies… playing with his favorite toy of a lego piece & wearing a hat

smiling Griffin showing off his two teeth

Me holding Griffin while packing up our old house! 

Griffin in the pale blue jammies – maybe 2 months here

Griffin being held by Grammy when we had her to our house for dinner two weeks before she died.  

Griffin with his blanket that Grammy gave him wearing the jammies Mimi gave him  – these had holes in the feet for Fletcher and are now in the quilt.

Sweet baby Griffin with his little tooth! 6 months old

6 month old Griffin in the striped jammies!

So sweet!

Griffin testing out the jumpy thing with big brother helpers!  (Kiefer now wears the jammies Carter’s in and Griffin’s wearing the Thomas the Train ones… they cycle continues!) 

See, there was a hole in the toe already!

Baby Fletcher in the hospital the day he came home

Fletcher one week old swimming in the too big gown

Sweet Fletcher!

Fletcher

When we were in Colorado, five week old Fletcher slept in a laundry basket so Griffin could be in the pack and play

Fletcher wrapped like a burrito in Colorado

Happy Fletcher!  

Fletcher in the jammies from Mimi  I cropped out the toes that were poking through!

Here’s the quilt!!!  A patchwork of memories!!
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Why can’t you just be a Normal Mom?

I’m planning a small kid party for Carter’s 6th birthday. This is our first venture into the kid party world.  Carter wants a Buzz Lightyear birthday party.  Ok.  We can do that. So I’m planning party games grabbing aliens with “The Claw” and building a space ship out of a gigantic box we saved from Christmas as I have always love games, including casino games such as pokie mate and others.  Then getting into the spirit of things, I decided I’d make myself a “Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl” costume.  I bought a ball of red yarn at Walmart and Carter and I whipped up a bright red wig of yarn.   I’m practicing so I can greet each guest at the door with a “YeeeeHaaawww! It’s Yeeeeewwww! It’s reeaaallllyy Yeeewwww!!”

Jessie The Yodeling Cowgirl

When Jim came home from work that night he saw the mess of red wig hanging on the back of my chair and when I told him of my plans he nonchalantly turns to walk out of the room and asks, “Why can’t you just be a normal mom?”

game
Aspiring to be “normal” is like aspiring to look “fine.”   Who wants to just be NORMAL? It’s so vanilla.   I strive to be an exceptional mother.  This is the most important job I’ll ever have.  I’m giving it my all.  Including making a space ship and wearing a red wig made out of yarn.

Just for the record, I did ask Carter if he wants me to dress up and do all this and he said yes.  And Jim was just joking about the normal bit, he’s always the first to encourage and support me… I just don’t think he’ll be donning the Buzz Lightyear costume I dreamed up.

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Why do they always say “Dada” first?

Fletcher & Daddy-O
Albiet, we have a fantastic Daddy-O! There isn’t a better one out there… BUT each of our kids have said “Dada” as their first words… babbling, cooing and then out comes “Dada”.  Forget labor pains, forget nearly 7 months of sleepless nights they ask for HIM by name.  
That’s ok.  We’ll give it to him for all that he does. But we know we have our own little secret language. Who else knows the difference between your hungry cries, your tired cries your I’m uncomfortable come get me cries.  And you save those special smiles just for me… your mama.  “Maaaammmmaaaa” We’ll have to work on that one.

Fletcher enjoying his cereal

Isn’t real food so much fun?

Fletcher gets wrapped up in his work… just hanging out on the blanket, I leave the room and come back and he’s wrapped himself up like a burrito!

His 7 month picture… whole series….

On the verge of sitting up… he lasts for a second then topples over

Too cute!!
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“I want to go to the Children’s Museum!”

A popular request around our house – especially during the winter months.  It’s adorable that Griffin is now old enough (and vocal enough) to let me know he’d like to go explore at the museum.  So last week, after a few days of repeated requests, we went.  I still feel weird about going places without Carter while he’s at school, but I figure I took him to the TCM countless times so it’s the younger set’s turn now. 
After playing at the water table and sand station Kiefer played at the toy train station and Griffin parked himself in the “Tractor Creepy” (the mini skid steer)  He would not let anyone else have a turn boys and girls alike tried to succeed him, but to no avail.  Finally I had to entice him with the promise of lunch.
We made our way to through the crowded cafeteria and I can’t shake the feeling that all eyes are on me.  Maybe it’s my imagination, maybe it’s because I have three children dressed alike melting because they need lunch.  But as we’re weaving our way through the gauntlet of chairs Kiefer’s crying and dodging ahead to places I can’t navigate with my double-wide double stroller so I’m barking commands, “No Kiefer, not there, we can’t get there, how ’bout over here?” to which I hear a loud, “Nooooooo!” echo through the cafeteria.  More eyes penetrating the back of my head…. then just as I was hopeful the show would be over we make an even greater spectacle of ourselves as Griffin lunges out of his seat in the front of the stroller and attempts a triple lutz for the chair and nearly lands on his head but for his quick-handed mother who grabbed ahold of his matching rugby shirt and saves him an inch above the hard tile floor.  A gasp was heard around the lunch room followed by a lull in the conversation.  All I could do was smile at the hispanic lunch lady who was cleaning the table next to me and move my crying crew to the nearest seats.  I’m really not that bad a mother, they just get really melty when they’re hungry.  Next time I promise I’ll strap him in.
I juggled nursing Fletcher while dolling out sandwiches and scarfing down my own lunch.  After I got some food in them, my delightful children returned.  Last stop on our museum visit: The Carousel.  On our way, we saw a sight we’ve never seen before – they were dusting the Chihuly using ropes and pulleys and rappelling gear.  It was fascinating!  I said outloud, “you take dusting to a new level.”  But the guy didn’t really even crack a smile he just looked at me while I took his picture.
Finally, we made it to the Carousel and happily selected our noble steed.  Except the fact the Griffin has decided he’s afraid of the Carousel.  At first I tried to help him move past this phobia but then as we sat on the bench during our dizzying ride I couldn’t help but see things from his perspective and honestly, I saw things with new eyes.  I can’t blame him for his concern- you see lots of teeth, scary smiling horses and fake eyeballs everywhere.  So I held onto him a little more tightly as we settled into the bench.
It was another adventuresome day!

He takes dusting to new heights!

Griffin at the sand table

Kiefer & Griffin moving sand

Griffin monopolizing the “Tractor Creepy”

Even Fletcher enjoyed himself in the 0-9 months area

Ok, so maybe this is a little scary…

I can’t blame him…

Griffin tentatively checking things out as we whirled around on the carosel

Kiefer enjoying his jumping horse!

Me holding Fletcher and a tentative Griffin
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Pilates with Children – Not very Zen

Like so many others, I’m trying to start the new year off right by getting into an exercise routine.  It’s always challenging to find the time – especially with four children.  I used some Christmas money and bought a Pilates DVD complete with some 1lb. workout balls.  The problem is that the boyz love balls, especially Griffin.  I tried working out one Saturday morning while they were in the other room but they hear the TV and they come swarming in like ants to a picnic.  Then Griffin tries stealing the balls and when he’s unsuccessful then he’s following me as I lift them crying, “I want ball! I want ball!” Carter tries to join me in the bends and stretches and aptly points out “Mom,  you’re not doing it like she is.” To which I promptly reply (while attempting to do sit ups) that “That chick hasn’t had four babies!”  Griffin finally gives up and settles into the couch for some entertainment while Kiefer joins me and Carter and tries to roll like a ball.  Isn’t this supposed to be relaxing? Daddy-O said this deserved to be videoed.  I think he meant for America’s funniest video -not the next Pilates How-To video! It’s more like how NOT-to!

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We were having a conversation…

Carter came home yesterday and informed me he had to turn a yellow card at school, which means he got a warning. When I dug deeper, he got real quiet.  It was literally like pulling teeth to get any information out of him.  After spending some time alone thinking about it, he finally shared that he and a friend were arguing about something.  “Arguing?” I asked, “Well….er, no, we were just having a conversation about something…”  and then when we reviewed the class rules, I read, “#1 I will listen and follow directions…” and without missing a beat he says, “Yep, I’m going to do that tomorrow!”  It’s not quite as effective having a stern conversation when you can’t keep a straight face!

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Kieferisms

Kiefer, my superhero wanna-be is always prepared for the next adventure.  He comes in from playing in the snow and hangs his snow pants up with his boots already in tack, just like the firemen!

And the other day he was telling me, “Mom, I really like guns.”
I quickly said, “I don’t like guns, they can kill.”
To which he replied, “Oh, I don’t like those kinds of guns. I like the fuzzy guns. The ones that tickle.”

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When I grow up…

Kiefer has made some vocational choices in the past week or so… he mentioned on the phone to Gigi the other day that when he grows up he wants to be Batman.  At school on Monday, he told his teacher the same thing. And again today he informed Gigi.  She asked if Batman will need a Grandmother and he plainly said, “No.”  Then he continued, “I’ll have to go to Bat school to learn how to fly and jump rocks and stuff.”  Then I heard him laugh and say, “I’m only in PRESCHOOL!”  He does have this way about him that he bends one arm and knee and gets a running start before he disappears out of a room… maybe that’s his inner superhero coming out?  So Carter wants to be a farmer and Kiefer wants to be Batman.  These next 20 years should be interesting.

Batman – the saga continues…
Today, Wednesday, at Preschool Kiefer was entertaining his teachers telling everyone, including his music teacher that he was going to be Batman when he grows up.  His teacher informed me he asked her, “So, don’t you want to tell your family?”  And she said she did, and that she would text her son… then Kiefer asked her what he said… so she really had to text him and her son replied, “oh.”  His teacher asked him if he was going to save the world when he was Batman and he said he was going to help God.
Then back at home he was changing out of his school clothes into his Buzz Lightyear costume and he started telling me that he was sad.  I inquired as to why and he said, “I’m sad because I”m not going to be able to live here with you forever.”  I said, “well, you can live here till you’re about 20, 22 max, then you’re lease is up.”  He continued, “I’m sad I won’t get to live in a house because when I’m Batman I’ll have to live in the bat cave.”…
Where is he getting all this?  He’s never even seen Batman!

BATMAN RETURNS:
Someone told Kiefer Batman doesn’t exist. (I think it was Carter.)  So yesterday, Kiefer said, “Since Batman doesn’t exist, when I grow up I want to be a Nascar Driver.  See, I even have my keys!” (A white elephant gift of a bunch of unknown keys including one with the number 8 on it decorated like a Nascar.)


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Fine Tuning

I had Mimi’s piano tuned today.  I can’t believe it’s been in our house nearly two years.  That she’s been gone almost two years.  It doesn’t seem possible.  She died the day that Griffin was 5 months old. She wouldn’t even recognize him now – he’s running around, talking trying to keep up with his brothers not to mention that we added a whole other brother in that time.  Life goes on… though her spirit is all around us. It bring such joy and comfort to be surrounded by so many of her things.  Things I never imagined that I would have like her dining room set, her formal living room couch, her curio cabinet, the guest room furniture we always slept in, several chairs, tables….  She literally furnished our whole house for us.  But the one thing I knew I was getting was her piano.  She had asked me long ago if there was anything of hers that I wanted after she was gone.  She had already given Sarah her (second!) piano and Mom already had the Steinway, so I was bold and I asked for it.  This was at least ten years before she died.  In fact, the first time she came to visit our new house, she was perched on the stairs for a breather and looked over the railing and stated with some satisfaction, “So this is where my piano will be….”  but I said I didn’t want it for at least another 10 years and for her to still enjoy it.

But there it sits.  Now mine. I still call it  “Mimi’s piano” when I refer to it around the boyz.  I love that it has scrapes and scratches from her fingers playing the keys. I love that I even have the same lamp that always accompanied her playing.

I’m determined to learn to play it.  I took lessons from Pat for a while, but life got busy and I got so tired and nauseous with Fletcher’s pregnancy so I stopped.  I want to start again.

It had gotten way out of tune.  Mom gave me a tuning for Christmas.  Mr. Barry came with his tool bag in hand and fixed her up.  The boyz were fascinated and thankfully he was quite patient with them.  Even with Kiefer calling him Mr. Farris (the name of Carter’s school principal!)

I couldn’t help thinking that it’s a perfect metaphor for the new year.  That it’s that time of year to regroup, re-prioritize,  get organized, clean a closet, empty the junk drawer, cinch the belt. A clean slate, a fresh start, a new calendar filled with empty pages yet to be filled.

How will we fill our time this year?  How will we pass our days? Minutes add up to hours and hours fill our days. Will I carve out ten minutes a day to attempt to play piano? Will I take the time to sit and read to my kids? Will I get down on my hands and knees to play with them?

I have a list of goals – not resolutions but goals and I’m pleased that I took a stab at this blogging thing last year as it was one of my goals. I want to continue down this path as I’ve enjoyed the process of it and I’m enjoying the trail it’s leaving behind.  The thing I enjoy the most is that it’s fluid – like life. This format works for me.

Fine tuning.  Finding a rhythm, a routine, a plan that works and working that plan.  I want to live my life intentionally.  The days are fleeting and lately I’ve been reminded how precious life is.

When Mr. Barry was finished, he played Mimi’s piano…. I mean really played…and beautiful melodic music filled my house.  And tears filled my eyes.  Some goals are worth pursuing.